I have written, deleted, and re-written this post several times because I cannot seem to find the right words. So, this time, I'm just going to let the words pour out of me without worrying about the outcome. Because anything is better than letting them swirl around in my head, making me more anxious by the second.
I'm throwing in the towel. I have finally come to the realization that breastfeeding just isn't going to work for my daughter and I.
Having breastfed my son until he was 17 months old, I was truly hoping I could have that bond with my daughter also. But that's just not the case. Maya is miserable, despite all my best efforts.
I met with a lactation consultant, and tried everything she recommended. I eliminated dairy from my diet. I used one breast for each feeding rather than offering both to try to prevent Maya from over-eating. I kept her upright after feedings, and elevated her bassinet mattress so she wouldn't have to lay flat. I pumped my breastmilk and offered it to her by bottle. I worked with my pediatrician to treat Maya for suspected reflux. I TRIED EVERYTHING. And nothing helped. Every day I watch my daughter struggle with frequent hiccups, projectile vomiting, and gas pains.
And then there's the toll it has taken on my family. This breastfeeding battle has taken up nearly all of my energy and patience, leaving very little for my son or my husband. My 2 year old is acting out, desperately trying to get my attention. And my husband gets the brunt of my angry outbursts at the end of the day.
I finally had to ask myself, is it really worth it? And the answer is NO. Breastfeeding is certainly not easy, but it is not supposed to be this hard. And if it's not even helping my daughter, what's the point?
So, reluctantly and with great sadness, I will be weaning my 10 week old daughter from breastfeeding. I'm sure it will not solve all of our issues, but we have to start somewhere.
Here's to hoping we will be moving in the right direction!